what do you want to be when you grow up?!
i ponder and ponder. deep down, it's to be a performer, an artist, a musciain. i want to say those things. but what actually comes out of my mouth is that thing i THOUGHT i wanted to be.
i accidentally blurted that out once
reaction: empty stares. WHAT? DISHONOR OUR FAMILY!!
what i have learned from music, i ca nnot even begin to describe.
the emotion that just swells inside of you while performing is just amazing. it's the feeling that you're not only invincible but also like you've got some secret barrier, where you're trapped inside your own musical bubble and no one can burst it. it's the most amazing feeling ever, it's better than buying steve madden flats 50% off! it's more amazing than eating a breakfast burrito, it's moree amazing than clicking with your best friendettas again.
you make your own music, and you show your audience what you are trying to convey. if you believe in your emotions deep enough, your audience will feel it. you act the part of sadness, the audience will cry with you. you act the part of a silly joker, the audience will laugh with you (or at you).
it's a whole new experience, it's refreshing, it honestly
never gets old
auditions didnt go too well. yes, solid performance, but i just didnt feel it, and neither did the judges. they wanted more and more. on the right track, but gottta dig deeper, make more colors.
now that is art.
constructive criticism
that little bit of motivation, that keeps me going.
life unexpected
we need a change. that's the great hting about rain. we get sunshine like 99.99% of the time in socal. it's good, we need a change. rain is a mystery. just like beethoven is. how can someone who was deaf create such beautiful music?
there's something about music that is completely revolutionary. we need a change. everything little thing we do, it affects others. we need to take a stand in the world we're living in. we can't just sit passively watching time pass by, then complaining and ranting if we don't do anything about it. just like what ms han said, "if you didn't vote, you can't complain about what is going on in the us" if you want your opinion to count, you gotta do something. get up, and do anything, whether it be impulsive and completely stupid or just a little thing to help someone, maybe you can make someone's day. beethoven is certainly revolutionary. the guy was deaf but he created masterpieces. he had to jump through hurdles, go against all odds just to do what he loved to do.
we need a change. we need to stop being apathetic. it's going nowhere. stand up for what you believe in. do something! i love that phrase, it just epitomizes my life. screw school, screw my horrible gpa, screw all the lectures i get from my parents who don't understand and are just way tooo conservative. what's the point of going through all of this crap if you don't get anything out of it. well, my main regret is, i waasn't brave enough to stand up to my parents, and to DO SOMETHING about it sooner when I was a freshmen. Art and music could have been my dream.
I admire Beethoven. He overcame all obstacles, and it seems like me, who has a lot to be grateful for, couldn't even stand up for myself, raise my voice when i was in 8th grade.
we need a change.
go out there and althought our lives are busy, what with college apps, and ap classes, and swim practice, and dress rehearsals, we need to think outside of the box.
Recently, I have been raising money by selling these "gleek" shirts and to donate the profits to Save the Music Foundation by VH1. to raise money to keep music and arts education in schools. I gave these shirts out FOR FREE. what bothered me the most was the pitiful "donations" i received. i handed out 30. my friend handed out another 30. and the profit comes to a whopping $50. honestly, i'm not going to say people suck. i'll j ust say the economy sucks, but what can i say??
i think we can all make a change through TEAMWORK. it cannot be a one man show.
it can't just be one person doing all of the work.
we gotta all take some initiative and DO SOMETHING because if we won't, who will? i ask myself that everyday.
and what frustrates me the most is that my parents dont support me. who cares about the world as long as i can get into the college i want? well, there's more to life than that. Don't sit idly by. Because time will swallow you, and no one will give a !@#$ about you because you don't matter.
I believe music can change the world. It can bring happiness to anyone, anywhere, anytime.
I can't help but think how different my life would be right now if I actually went to LACHSA.
Sometimes when I close my eyes and listen, I can feel tears, I don't know why. Music is beautiful.
Even though this world is effed up, we can still hold on to music.
I honeslty admire those people who are brave enough to choose the path of art, music, and dance. It's one thing I'll never be able to do.
My parents. Theyre too conventional. I hate to disappoint.
Imagine there's no Heaven
It's easy if you try
No hell below us
Above us only sky
Imagine all the people
Living for today
Imagine there's no countries
It isn't hard to do
Nothing to kill or die for
And no religion too
Imagine all the people
Living life in peace
You may say that I'm a dreamer
But I'm not the only one
I hope someday you'll join us
And the world will be as one
Imagine no possessions
I wonder if you can
No need for greed or hunger
A brotherhood of man
Imagine all the people
Sharing all the world
You may say that I'm a dreamer
But I'm not the only one
I hope someday you'll join us
And the world will live as one
mind over matter, or in this case ap's over music
I can't believe it.
I don't understand.
Why do i play music, why do I sing, why do I take dance lessons?? Because without it, I would go insane! And my mom insists that I don't go to my recital this January. BECAUSE OF THOSE EFFING FINALS. you know what? i like being immersed in music. why is it always my gpa and school always over music?? I'm so frustrated. My teacher was very surprised. Again with the, you have so much potential but you rarely have time to practice, blah blah blah. My mom thinks that just by not going to a recital, by taking me out of rehearsals, by ditching recitals that suddenly I will achieve her dream, straight A's. I do not want straight A's. I do not want a 2400 on the SAT. I do not want to go to Harvard. I want to be mildly content with what I'm doing with my life. Right now, I'm very unhappy. I feel unfulfilled. What's the point of going through all the shit if you don't enjoy going through all that shit?
I love the way my teacher explains Bach, section by section, increasing intensity, the rise and fall, the rhythmic pulses, the GRAND FINALE, the beginning where it's kind of like a march. And then the episodes come in.
Yes I'm done with that theory shit, but I honestly haven't learned to apply the "prelude and fugue"
Sometimes I wish maybe I should just comply to my mom's dreams.
But it's hard to pretend.
I have no interest in science and biology and chem.
No, my passion is music. All day, anyday.
What do you want from me??
"Michelle, how come sometimes when you play a song, you hit the wrong note?"
Oh well, gee i don't know. What? You think I hit the wrong note on purpose??!!
It's becuase I don't practice enough. I hate the practicality in music. It is WAY MORE important to enjoy what you're playing, to feel what you're playing then accidentally playing an A# instead of an A. Why does that matter?? What's with all this technical stuff. I hate that all you accept from me in life is the "technical stuff" get good grades, put your priorities straight. Just because I wanted to take my liscense test over winter break--and you promised in sept that I would get to take my test during winter break-- doesn't mean that I'm losing my priorities. I don't get it. i want to feel and live a meaningful life. i don't want a perfect life. I will never want a perfect life, but that's all you expect from me. It's not if I enjoy doing something. It's more: do you succeed at what you're doing? You know i have a whole life ahead to think about success, but for now, I want to feel like what I'm doing is right.
what's with prioritizing ayways?? i know my priorites. now there's my practical priorities and then there's my TRUE priorities.
deep down inside me, i can feel it. i can feel my true ambitions, just screaming, but i can't do anything. I'm helpless.
I'm digging a hole for myself to fall into and i can't stop myself from falling.
i hate thinking about this, about how painful this is when I really really don't want to do this.
I hate this sensibility.
I Hate it.
Breathe in air, Breathe out music
I feel so guilty. I didn't mean to hurt your feelings. I hate talking without thinking and it just came up.
I wish we could go back to normal. Go back to normal is all that I really want.
Like music, our life is a song. A song talks about a life. There are instances when in that piece, there's a phrase. There may be a bridge. They're analogous. I didn't realize that until today. Until I probably hurt your feelings. And in each song, at that one pivotal point, everything is released. All of that anger that was once bottled up before is released. One little mistake can ruin a song. One wrong finger, one wrong touch, one slip could destroy us. I'm sorry. I wish I could say it to your face, but I don't think I can. I picture it in my head, but I can't picture myself doing it. It's not that I cannot apologize to you. I just can't face up to the facts.
Listen to your Brain
Above all, I wish I could just stop be practical, logical. Do I have any common sense? I think I have tooo much common sense. What I love about music and listening to music is that THERE IS NO COMMON SENSE. There are NO RIGHT OR WRONG ANSWERS, it's what you make out if it. There are so many different interpretations.
When I had to choose what high school to go to, I wanted to go to a very competitive one. I thought I could benefit from that high school more, but it was full of asians. no joke. i don't get straight a's. i never will. A- is good enough for me. in fact, i have all a- anyways, (except for bio of course) and so I listened to logic. Logic lured me in. I'm in a pretty average school. Wellc ompared to the other schools in the area, I guess it's pretty good. But there is a lot of competition here too.
I hate how my mom always tells me, do what your hearts tell you..
and then she goes on and says I have to get straight a's or i have to quite dance. or get striaght a's or you don't get to sing anymore. which is why i have stopped both. get straight a's or you quit piano. HOW IS QUITTING SOMETHING going to magically make me get straight a's?! I'm sick of this bullshit. I'm writing and essay right now and I feel so angry
And how everything SEEMS SO DAMN UNFAIR. But what can i do. WHATDOYAWANTFROM ME?! Why is this so hard for me?
Opening up a design group hasn't been much fun either. everyone is so caught upi n school and homework, that it seems like no one cares. If there's one thing I hate, it's when people tlel me, oh i don't care ohhhhh maybeeee. It's YES or NO when I ask you, do you really want to do graphic design? Do you really want to play in a quartet?
I can't believe I cannot even telll my mom these kind of things, because she'll tell me to JUST QUIT. What kind of person just tells me to JUST QUIT?! Ok yea so I told my parents about this yesterday and they TELL ME TO QUIT and just focus on school and get STRAIGHT A'S?! WTF. In a course of a lifetime, IT DOES NOT MATTER IF I GET STRAIGHT A's.
I talked to my best friends and they said that it's better to fail at something and have a good time, than to fail and something that you were miserable about.
I wnated to go to a KROQ Almost Acoustic Christmas Concert, but it's not happening. I hate these excuses I have to make. I make up excuses to go to CA Adventure, to go to Starbucks, to go to FUN places I guess. My mom won't let me live a little, just because she wants me to get Straight A"S?! WHAT?! So once i get straight A's, I get to have fun? And then what?! I'm scared of asking her if I can go out. All she replies is WHY DO YOU ALWAYS WANT TO HAVE FUN?! YOU HAD TOO MUCH FUN LAST WEEK! ABSOLUTELY NOT! GO STUDY BIO!!!
I honestly want to give up. I realize it's not the pressure anymore. It's that fact that there is no balance. I wake up at 7 am on weekeneds just to do homework, for music.
But I don't think this is what I want to be doing. Everyday.
Sometimes, I just tell myself, just listen to some music, suck it up, and pray everything goes alright.
Straight A-'s I'll take it, but it's on the border. I cannot just lose everything I've worked so hard for.
