mind over matter, or in this case ap's over music
I can't believe it.
I don't understand.
Why do i play music, why do I sing, why do I take dance lessons?? Because without it, I would go insane! And my mom insists that I don't go to my recital this January. BECAUSE OF THOSE EFFING FINALS. you know what? i like being immersed in music. why is it always my gpa and school always over music?? I'm so frustrated. My teacher was very surprised. Again with the, you have so much potential but you rarely have time to practice, blah blah blah. My mom thinks that just by not going to a recital, by taking me out of rehearsals, by ditching recitals that suddenly I will achieve her dream, straight A's. I do not want straight A's. I do not want a 2400 on the SAT. I do not want to go to Harvard. I want to be mildly content with what I'm doing with my life. Right now, I'm very unhappy. I feel unfulfilled. What's the point of going through all the shit if you don't enjoy going through all that shit?
I love the way my teacher explains Bach, section by section, increasing intensity, the rise and fall, the rhythmic pulses, the GRAND FINALE, the beginning where it's kind of like a march. And then the episodes come in.
Yes I'm done with that theory shit, but I honestly haven't learned to apply the "prelude and fugue"
Sometimes I wish maybe I should just comply to my mom's dreams.
But it's hard to pretend.
I have no interest in science and biology and chem.
No, my passion is music. All day, anyday.
What do you want from me??
"Michelle, how come sometimes when you play a song, you hit the wrong note?"
Oh well, gee i don't know. What? You think I hit the wrong note on purpose??!!
It's becuase I don't practice enough. I hate the practicality in music. It is WAY MORE important to enjoy what you're playing, to feel what you're playing then accidentally playing an A# instead of an A. Why does that matter?? What's with all this technical stuff. I hate that all you accept from me in life is the "technical stuff" get good grades, put your priorities straight. Just because I wanted to take my liscense test over winter break--and you promised in sept that I would get to take my test during winter break-- doesn't mean that I'm losing my priorities. I don't get it. i want to feel and live a meaningful life. i don't want a perfect life. I will never want a perfect life, but that's all you expect from me. It's not if I enjoy doing something. It's more: do you succeed at what you're doing? You know i have a whole life ahead to think about success, but for now, I want to feel like what I'm doing is right.
what's with prioritizing ayways?? i know my priorites. now there's my practical priorities and then there's my TRUE priorities.
deep down inside me, i can feel it. i can feel my true ambitions, just screaming, but i can't do anything. I'm helpless.
I'm digging a hole for myself to fall into and i can't stop myself from falling.
i hate thinking about this, about how painful this is when I really really don't want to do this.
I hate this sensibility.
I Hate it.
Breathe in air, Breathe out music
I feel so guilty. I didn't mean to hurt your feelings. I hate talking without thinking and it just came up.
I wish we could go back to normal. Go back to normal is all that I really want.
Like music, our life is a song. A song talks about a life. There are instances when in that piece, there's a phrase. There may be a bridge. They're analogous. I didn't realize that until today. Until I probably hurt your feelings. And in each song, at that one pivotal point, everything is released. All of that anger that was once bottled up before is released. One little mistake can ruin a song. One wrong finger, one wrong touch, one slip could destroy us. I'm sorry. I wish I could say it to your face, but I don't think I can. I picture it in my head, but I can't picture myself doing it. It's not that I cannot apologize to you. I just can't face up to the facts.
